I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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