I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
