I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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