Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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