In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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