there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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