I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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