He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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