jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
