My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
