I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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