Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
