he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
