Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
