I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
