Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
