There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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