You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
