I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I checked into jail on foursquare
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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