I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
