Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
