stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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