I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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