I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am available for nakedness
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
