Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
