Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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