He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
