Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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