dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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