Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
