Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I want to fling myself into the sun
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
