i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
