I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
