I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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