Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
