omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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