the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
