I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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