So drunk its hurt
I'm really into asian looking animals
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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