today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
