If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
