I am spending my child support on dildos
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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