At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
