she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
