i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
