The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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