it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
