so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
