I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
