Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
