He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
