when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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