apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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